Sometimes the happiest news can make me feel the saddest.
As you may know, our 4 year-old Jack Russel Terrier (Henry) passed away unexpectedly from cancer in mid-April. Henry joined our family to help prepare for the day when our now fourteen-year old JRT, Austin, would no longer be with us. Austin, who is now mostly deaf and almost blind, is still sturdy and obsessed with chasing squeaky toys. While we thought Henry would be Austin’s successor, we are now looking for Henry’s replacement.
I found a breeder of Jack Russell Terriers in Virginia who breeds them primarily for temperament and while they have the JRT look that Joe and I love, their personalities are much less intense than I’ve experienced. After thinking about it for a couple of months, I got in touch with them. Lo and behold, they have an especially mellow little boy that would be a good fit for us. His name will be Holmes, Joe’s mother’s maiden name. He will join our family in August.

Our future puppy, Holmes
I can’t wait to meet Holmes! I want to take him on long walks, train him and have him curl up in my lap. When I look in his eyes, I want to know what’s behind them. Who is he? How will he make us laugh?
But wait. Normally when I’m this excited about something, the first thing I do is call my mom. And while I can talk to her spirit, I cannot call her on the phone and hear the excitement in her voice. She was a huge dog lover, but more importantly, if I was excited about something, she would be too. If I was thrilled to get a pet rock, she’d be happy for me too! It didn’t matter how big or little the event. If I was happy, she was thrilled. If she were alive, I would email her a picture of Holmes and the next time I’d be at her house, I’d notice the picture on her refrigerator, joining the ever-expanding, unwieldy photo collage of loved ones, former students, meaningful poems and funny cartoons.
About a month or two after my mom passed, I came up with a way to describe how it felt to have her gone. It was like I was hot and thirsty and all I wanted was a drink of water. But there’s no water. The world offered me other options: iced tea? milk? lemonade? No. I want water. A cold beer? No. I want #@!&*&* water. It hits the spot like nothing else.
Our future puppy Holmes makes me thirsty.
My bereavement group facilitator often talks about how grieving is an 18-36 month process. Grief doesn’t unfold in an orderly progression of feelings on a tidy timeline. We are not in control of our grief. Instead, the “stages” are circular and appear when they want. Fortunately, as time passes, the waves of grief become further apart.
A wise person told me that I’ll feel better once I’ve cried all of my tears. Finding Holmes made me happy, which then made me sad. Maybe indirectly, Holmes has helped me shed some tears which will bring me closer to feeling better.
Fortunately, the tides of sadness pass. Life goes on. We will get a new puppy. I have a new blog. And as of this week, I have a new Task Force to lead. Lots of good stuff!
As the Buddhists say, life is full of 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows. I’m learning that often, a sorrow and a joy can be inextricably intertwined, different sides of the same coin. Getting Holmes means Henry is gone and I can’t share my excitement with my mom. But the sadness doesn’t negate the joy. They coexist.
Life is more nuanced than I used to understand. While I didn’t think about it too much in the past, I used to assume sadness and joy were more of an either/or proposition. But they’re not. I’m learning they can co-exist and even intensify each other.
Thanks for reading. I hope you all have a wonderful 4th of July weekend!
16 Comments
I love each and every blog you write, Jennifer. I read them all with smiles and tears. I LOVE Holmes, and I hope I can meet him one day! This story you wove so deftly and beautifully is so very poignant. Thank you, Jennifer.
Thank you, Carol. It means a lot to me that you read the posts and enjoy them too!
Jennifer, thank you so much for sharing you’re thoughts, feelings and experiences in this personal blog. Beautiful and meaningful. My heart goes out to you on the loss of Henry and your mom. I could very much relate to both.
And Holmes is adorable! I’d love to meet him someday. Keep these inspiring blights coming. I love your writing.
Thank you so much, Adele! I’m glad you could relate. That’s comforting. I hope you can meet Holmes someday too!
Jennifer, I love your writing. Seriously.
Oh! Thank you!
Beautiful thoughts, Jennifer. Holmes is a lucky boy and I am sure Jacque is smiling down excited for you.
Thank you, Maren!! I think so too.
Another perfect post. I learn about you and from you every time I read one. Can’t wait to meet Holmes. I love the name you picked for him.
Thank you, Cindy! I can’t wait for you to meet Holmes too!
Thank you for sharing your beautiful & eloquent thoughts. Looking forward to meeting this new companion.
You’re welcome! Thank you for reading. And I look forward to you meeting Holmes too!
You are so great at putting on paper what you are feeling. I read your blogs and think…wait minute….I’ve felt that same way!! You put into words so many things I have felt. So thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! Bev Livingston
You’re welcome, Bev. Thank YOU! It’s great to know that you can relate. Hope you have a wonderful 4th!
You write so truthfully Jennifer! I feel many things as you write about both your mom and Henry. As you may or may not remember, my uncle from Rapid City died unexpectedly and three days later my dad died unexpectedly. That, in itself, was so devastating. The day we came home from my uncles funeral, our 4 year old dog, Jada, was attacked by an unfamiliar dog in our neighborhood. Half her throat was gone and the vet said she would be surprised if Jada would make it through surgery. We cried, begged, pleaded that they do everything possible (explaining our own bizarre situation). The vet was wonderful and Jada is now eight, running around with us all over the place! She was and is my place/dog of comfort! I believe that my guardian angels helped us through it all. Your stories of Henry remind me of Jada stories and am so glad that you will have Holmes in your life! 5 years later the grief is still around sometimes but The love/memories that I have for those two wonderful men in my life are stronger! I hope that comes true for you as well over time. Thank you again for your sharing of your truth!
Thank you, Kathleen. WOW. What a barrage you were hit with with your uncle and dad’s death and then Jada being attacked? That’s too much to imagine. I’m so glad Jada made it through the surgery and is doing so well. Thank YOU for sharing. And thank you for reading!