One year ago today, my mom died.
I had been worried about the one-year anniversary of her passing, because many have warned me about how painful it would be. But it hasn’t been that bad. Having Christmas without her was far sadder. Not having her to call about my good dentist appointment or about something uniquely me – that’s been way harder than a regular day that happens to be January 21, 2017.
I woke up this morning and surveyed how I felt. The day was finally here. I wondered if I’d be overcome with sadness. But I checked in and I was still myself. I had a good cry in the morning and my husband hugged me, but then I felt solid. I went to the gym and worked out, listening to a comforting podcast about losing a loved one.
The date on the calendar doesn’t matter so much – it’s the hole she left in my heart and what I’ve done with it that matters.
The Worst and Best Year
In some ways, this past year was my worst ever. My mom and both of my dogs died. Each loss was different. Losing my mom was like getting run over by a car. Shortly after that, in my weakened state, unexpectedly losing my young, obsessed-with-me dog Henry was like getting run over by a semi. And losing my elderly, ailing dog Austin, was like a melancholy, rainy day with nothing to do and no one around.
But while there has been too much pain this year, it strangely has also been my best year ever too. I’m not scared of much these days. I understand what other people are going through better. I am closer to my family and friends. I feel a kinship with people I know and don’t know, a sense that we’re all in this together. I’m more able to “not sweat the small stuff.”
The Upside of Loss
In a strange way, I recommend loss. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, and personally, I’d like a break from it for a while, but it can lead to jungle-like growth. You can improve your life because of it. And if the only way to this growth is through loss, then maybe it’s not the worst thing ever.
But it doesn’t matter what I recommend because we’re not in charge of this sort of thing. If you live long enough, you will lose a person or a pet that you love dearly, sometimes in close succession and it will rock your world. You may not be able to sleep or eat. You may become temporarily stupid. You might cry when a store clerk asks you how you’re doing. The months after the loss may be a fog. Survival is an admirable goal at this time. You can get help from a therapist and/or a bereavement group.
As time passes, the clouds will start to part. Sometime you will see a sliver of sunshine. It might be a brief glimpse. But gradually those glimpses will become longer stretches. And when the sun returns, it might be the most warm and radiant sunshine you have ever felt because now you know it can go away. Because it’s temporary, it’s more precious.
Life is a Gift
“Life is a gift,” is a well-worn truism that has fallen deaf on my ears for years. It certainly hasn’t always felt like a gift, sometimes it’s been so hard. But now I pay attention to all of the people that are dying, many prematurely. And I feel deeply grateful that I get to be alive. I get to have a good night’s sleep, walk the dog, look at the sky, eat a good meal, and laugh with my husband. We get this chance to be on earth and do what it is we’re supposed to do. What a gift this truly is.
I wish my mom hadn’t died one year ago. But I appreciate what has come from it. In fact, if she were alive, I’d call her up and tell her about it. Her voice would sparkle with delight and amazement. Since she’s not alive, I don’t call her on the phone. But I do tell her all about it, each and every day.
30 Comments
Grif is so real and tangible and you express the whole range of emotion and pain in your time of transition. So sorry for your grief and thankful for your health and courage as you move forward. Peace. Val
Thank you, Val. I’m glad you understand! Thanks for reading. Peace to you too.
I love you. Thinking of you. Beautifully written piece.
I love you too! Thanks for being such a loyal and dear friend.
Thank you for your courage and insight. Thinking of you and your sisters…
Thank you, Brett! Your sense of humor reminds me of my mom like nobody else’s. 🙂 So glad to have that reminder. Thank you.
Thinking of you today—–love the last paragraph– so much both you and your mom.
Thank you, Mary! And I’m glad you could see my mom in the last paragraph! So sweet.
I love how you covered so many of the colors of grief and made them into a rainbow. You are so right about grief’s hard won gift of awakening awareness that leads to gratitude,courage and compassion. Beautifully written Jennifer. Much love to you on this day of remembrance and reflection.
Thank you, Deborah! I so appreciate your wisdom every step of the way.
You captured what many of us have felt over the years thru various losses. And yes – the date on the calendar doesn’t matter so much. It’s the memories that flood you when you hear a song or take in a smell.
Thank you, Suzanne, for saying that I’ve captured what so many have experienced. We are all in this together!
Thank you for letting us all know how you are doing today, Jennifer. I love your sweet, beautiful words. I’ve been thinking about your mom all day, too, and thanking her for being so kind and intuitive and wise, and so funny, and so dedicated to her family and friends, and anyone and everyone she met. Thank you so much, Jacquie. We feel you with us. You know how much we love you, Always and Forever.
(Please remember, Jacquie, that we are very open to and always watching for meaningful coincidences.)
Thank you, Jeanne. She was so wise, insightful and funny.
p.s. Jennifer, looking at the picture you used for this post, “Finding Sunshine Again” I didn’t see it at first, but I see it now. There is a very thin line of light going horizontally across the vertical ray of light, and the sunlight is making a cross.
Now that is a beautiful coincidence. I had tried posting other pictures, but wasn’t having any luck. So I posted that one. Hmmm….it was meant to be. Thank you for noticing it!
That was beautiful, Jennifer, and I’ve personally found it to be so true. The growth I’ve had stemming from the losses in my life have made me grow like I’ve never imagined. And each time I lose someone (human or furry) I do tend to cherish life more and sweat the small stuff less…it’s just such a bummer it has to be at such a high price. But the belief I will see my loved ones again in heaven is what has helped me find the sunshine again. Thank you for all of your insights!
Thank you, Georgia! Yes, the growth does come at such a high price. Thank goodness something good can come out of the pain. Thank you for reading. Can’t wait to see you!
So can easily resonate with your words today as not only have I been reflecting on the amazing experiences shared with your Mom, but also my own Mother who passed 3 years ago. They were both incredible women who led authentic and purposeful lives. I try to honor their lives by continuing to live with their spirits at the helm. Actually shared some words you shared a year ago that referenced Jacquie in my Christmas letter. The words challenged others to “listen carefully to and look into everyone that you talk to today. Treat them with kindness. Listen to MPR. Find the humor in the unexpected. Laugh about it. If you play an instrument play it. Take a special interest in those from different countries. Imagine what life must be like for them. Talk to them if you can. Befriend and help somebody who struggles with mental illness. Bake some bread. Notice the beauty of the sky and of the birds. Don’t worry if your house is kind of cluttered. Support your local food co-op.” So many words of wisdom that Jacquie lived out every day! Celebrating her life and it’s influence in the world today!
Oh Cyndi, I’m so very happy that you liked the Top 10 list I wrote a while ago originally on my mom’s Caring Bridge site. One friend actually sent me a mug with the list printed on it. I remember writing the list in about 10 minutes. It was so easy, because it was so her. Thank you for reading and sharing about the loss of your Mom too. We are all in this together.
Thank you Jennifer for sharing such a beautiful piece of your heart. I read it to jeff this morning and cried. We kissed Heidi (our little dog) goodbye 11-22-16. I simply cannot believe how painful that loss has been. The grief you have had to endure this last year just doesn’t seem fair or right….. your words are a gift to all of us!!! Life is a gift!!! Thank you
Oh, I’m so very sorry that you lost Heidi so recently. She was such a sweet dog – affectionate and funny too! It is amazing how painful that loss can be. I think her sweet spirit is with you, Jeff and Tori. Thank you for reading and for telling me about your experience too. xoxo
Hi Jenny ~ has a year really gone by? Such a touching and truthful remembrance and one that reflects the healing that time can offer anyone who is grieving a loss. Thinking of you, dear one.
I know – how can it be a year?Thanks for reading and for thinking of me too. You are a dear one too!
Jennifer,
I was thinking about you this week, wondering how it would feel, this first anniversary. I doubt any of us who still have our mothers really understand what its like. Your Mom was truly the nicest, kindest person I have known. She was 100% authentic, like you! Peace to you this year.
She was a very kind person and authentic. A good role model for all of us in that way. Thank you for reading and for thinking about me!
Dear Jenny:
What a gift you have given all of us with this post. You have helped to give us the courage to live with much less fear when we consider the losses that will surely happen to all of us. Thank you for this honesty and compassion.
Love as always,
Catherine
Oh, thank you for telling me this. I’m glad it was a gift to you. It was a gift to me to write it too. It’s amazing how that works.
Much love to you too! Thanks for reading and commenting.
Again, THANKS for sharing Jennifer. Miss seeing you at Yoga. Hope you enjoy the beautiful sunshine in today’s forecast!
Thanks for reading, Sally. Can’t wait to see you again at yoga this spring and summer!